Another Lifetime

“I want to believe in it all again. Music and art, fate and love, and I want to believe that I’ve made the right choices, and I’m still on the right path, and there’s still time to fix some mistakes I’ve made. I guess I want hope.”

— Peyton Sawyer

Have you ever felt like you’ve lost a limb?

Or at least something vital that you’re so used to having. 

Your cell phone. 

Your favourite lip gloss

Your lucky necklace. 

Your person. 

Yeah, your whole person. 

I’ve never broken a bone in my life, much less lost a limb, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling as though I’ve lost one. 

Continue reading

Flawless

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“I woke up like this

We flawless, ladies tell ‘em

Say I, look so good tonight

God damn”

–  Beyoncé Knowles

Remember when I said in Pretty Hurts that I couldn’t remember what it was like to not have acne? 

Well my memory is still pretty terrible, because now I can’t remember what it’s like to not have flawless skin. 

I really and truly can’t. 

I look at my ‘before’ pictures from the Skin Health Institute and I’m flawed. 

In the literal and figurative sense. 

Flawed, because that’s how I saw myself with the abundant amount of pimples all over my face (and neck). 

Flawed because my brain is utterly amazed at the fact that my skin was like that a mere three months ago.

Flawed, because that’s how I felt.  Continue reading

Pretty Hurts

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“Shine the light on whatever’s worse

Perfection is the disease of a nation

Pretty hurts”

–  Beyoncé

It’s been almost a year. 

A year of what exactly?

A year of my skin progressively getting worse, and worse over time. 

For some a year is a pretty long time

For other’s it’s short. 

For me? 

It felt like during that time, I couldn’t remember anything from the past. 

Like the times when I wore no make-up to work. 

When I didn’t feel as if the first thing noticed by strangers was my skin.

When I felt comfortable and confident just having the occasional two spots on my skin. 

When I wasn’t paranoid thinking that when people looked at me, all they saw was an insecure acne riddled girl. 

To me, within the space of 365 days, I’d forgotten everything. 

Pretty terrible I know. 

And with my acne, like all things, it started off small. 

Two bumps on my cheek. 

Which I popped, like I’ve done so many times before. 

Then something different happened. 

The two bumps came back, bigger this time, AND they brought two other friends with them. 

So again, I thought, no big deal.

Been here.

Done this. 

Popped them again. 

But like a bad ex, they kept coming back.  Continue reading

Into the Ocean

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“I want to swim away but don’t know how

Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion”

–  Blue October

Drowning.

That’s what it feels like to me. 

Like if I’m drowning, holding my breath, with my eyes wide open looking at the surface above me. 

My lungs feel as if they’re about the burst from holding my breath for so long. 

My arms and legs are weak from trying. 

Trying to break the surface into the light of fresh air. 

But I never can mange it.

I never manage to break the surface. 

I just stay right beneath it, being teased by what I could have if I just fight a little harder.

That’s what I think about a lot. 

I could fight harder. 

I always think that my best is not my best or there’s something stopping me from giving it my all. 

That maybe, on some level, I like feeling this way.  Continue reading

W.A.Y.S

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If there’s one thing that I learned, While in those county lines

It’s that everything takes time, You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind, Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine”

–  Jhené Akio

 

I have a semi-colon tattoo on my body, which makes me think how ironic it would be if I did it.

You know: commit suicide. Continue reading

Santa Monica & La Brea

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“What if we never met?

Wondering in pointless conversations

What if we never said “Hello” and “What’s your name?”

– Blackbear

Have you wished you could erase a person’s existence?

From your life I mean, not their literal existence on dying planet earth.

If you could, you’d go back in time to the moment when you met them and undo it.

Instead of making eye-contact and smiling that first shy smile looked dead ahead; ignoring their presence?

Instead of saying those first words, “Hi, how are you?”

You turned your head.

Closed your mouth.

And never uttered a single word?

I have. Continue reading