“I woke up like this

We flawless, ladies tell ‘em

Say I, look so good tonight

God damn”

–  Beyoncé Knowles

Remember when I said in Pretty Hurts that I couldn’t remember what it was like to not have acne? 

Well my memory is still pretty terrible, because now I can’t remember what it’s like to not have flawless skin. 

I really and truly can’t. 

I look at my ‘before’ pictures from the Skin Health Institute and I’m flawed. 

In the literal and figurative sense. 

Flawed, because that’s how I saw myself with the abundant amount of pimples all over my face (and neck). 

Flawed because my brain is utterly amazed at the fact that my skin was like that a mere three months ago.

Flawed, because that’s how I felt.  Continue reading

Pretty Hurts


“Shine the light on whatever’s worse

Perfection is the disease of a nation

Pretty hurts”

–  Beyoncé

It’s been almost a year. 

A year of what exactly?

A year of my skin progressively getting worse, and worse over time. 

For some a year is a pretty long time

For other’s it’s short. 

For me? 

It felt like during that time, I couldn’t remember anything from the past. 

Like the times when I wore no make-up to work. 

When I didn’t feel as if the first thing noticed by strangers was my skin.

When I felt comfortable and confident just having the occasional two spots on my skin. 

When I wasn’t paranoid thinking that when people looked at me, all they saw was an insecure acne riddled girl. 

To me, within the space of 365 days, I’d forgotten everything. 

Pretty terrible I know. 

And with my acne, like all things, it started off small. 

Two bumps on my cheek. 

Which I popped, like I’ve done so many times before. 

Then something different happened. 

The two bumps came back, bigger this time, AND they brought two other friends with them. 

So again, I thought, no big deal.

Been here.

Done this. 

Popped them again. 

But like a bad ex, they kept coming back.  Continue reading

Into the Ocean


“I want to swim away but don’t know how

Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion”

–  Blue October


That’s what it feels like to me. 

Like if I’m drowning, holding my breath, with my eyes wide open looking at the surface above me. 

My lungs feel as if they’re about the burst from holding my breath for so long. 

My arms and legs are weak from trying. 

Trying to break the surface into the light of fresh air. 

But I never can mange it.

I never manage to break the surface. 

I just stay right beneath it, being teased by what I could have if I just fight a little harder.

That’s what I think about a lot. 

I could fight harder. 

I always think that my best is not my best or there’s something stopping me from giving it my all. 

That maybe, on some level, I like feeling this way.  Continue reading



If there’s one thing that I learned, While in those county lines

It’s that everything takes time, You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind, Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine”

–  Jhené Akio


I have a semi-colon tattoo on my body, which makes me think how ironic it would be if I did it.

You know: commit suicide. Continue reading

Santa Monica & La Brea


“What if we never met?

Wondering in pointless conversations

What if we never said “Hello” and “What’s your name?”

– Blackbear

Have you wished you could erase a person’s existence?

From your life I mean, not their literal existence on dying planet earth.

If you could, you’d go back in time to the moment when you met them and undo it.

Instead of making eye-contact and smiling that first shy smile looked dead ahead; ignoring their presence?

Instead of saying those first words, “Hi, how are you?”

You turned your head.

Closed your mouth.

And never uttered a single word?

I have. Continue reading

Here’s to Never Growing Up


“We live like rock stars, dance on every bar

This is who we are, I don’t think we’ll ever change

They say “just grow up”, but they don’t know us”

–  Avril Lavigne

“Grow up”.

A phrase we’ve heard countless times over the span of our lives.

We either hear it when we’re supposedly being immature.

When we’re not acting appropriately.

Or when we ourselves are wishing to be grown up.

To rush onto the next chapter of our lives.

Whether we like it or not, it’s a phrase that wiggles its way into our lives when we wanna hear it the least.

Another favourite that’s used is, “Act your age, not your shoe size”.

Being a size UK size 35, and a renewed home body who’d rather watch Netflix all day than go out, I’m closer to my shoe size maturity-wise than my actual twenty-something age.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love dressing up.

I love doing my make-up.

I love going out with my friends.

And I love taking those insta-worthy pictures at fabulous locations.

But I have my moments when I would just rather not.

For me, it’s all fun and games at the plan-making stages of going out.

Everyone’s super excited, coordinating outfits, choosing a location and choosing a date.

And that’s the tricky part, when the date is picked in advance. Continue reading