“What if we never met?
Wondering in pointless conversations
What if we never said “Hello” and “What’s your name?”
Have you wished you could erase a person’s existence?
From your life I mean, not their literal existence on dying planet earth.
If you could, you’d go back in time to the moment when you met them and undo it.
Instead of making eye-contact and smiling that first shy smile looked dead ahead; ignoring their presence?
Instead of saying those first words, “Hi, how are you?”
You turned your head.
Closed your mouth.
And never uttered a single word?
I actually tried to pretend I’ve got no history with someone before.
Walked past them, shoulder brushing shoulder, and never even made eye-contact.
Headphones in, no music playing, yet pretending to love the non-existent song so much.
Not even bothering to notice them.
I’ve done that and possibly many more terrible things when avoiding someone.
And I’m not just talking about an ex.
I’m talking about anyone who I ever ended on bad terms with.
That bully from high-school.
The person that never did their part in a group project in University.
That person I forgot to text back.
Basically any person who I’ve ever had an awkward encounter with.
Though I’ll admit, more often than not, it’s me avoiding someone I dated.
It’s pretty awful to act like you don’t know someone you once shared everything with…
At one point, they were the person you’ve messaged when you were happy or sad.
They were there during the good times and the bad.
You turned to them when you needed advice.
They made it all better when it seemed as if things wouldn’t.
However, nothing ever stays perfect.
And now you’re once more perfect strangers.
But did it actually have to resort to that?
Before I met the almost-so-damn-near-to-perfect human, there was another.
If you compare them they are polar opposites.
My boyfriend, is logical.
Likes burgers and fries.
A fan of old school music and tech and thriller tv-shows.
The two of us are in fact polar opposite.
Yet we’re making it work
The other one guy?
The person I could not have had more in common with.
If anything, he was the male version of me.
Have you ever met a person like that?
You click on every topic.
You understand each other.
You can almost read each other’s minds.
Being together is uncomplicated.
As if you don’t even have to try.
In theory that seems like a good thing.
But if something is easy, is it ever a good sign?
Occam’s razor states that the simplest answer is usually the correct answer, but that works in theory.
In reality, life gets a bit more complicated.
There’s variables to account for.
We’ve been taught that if it seems too easy we’re doing it wrong
Imagine being with someone so similar to yourself.
You like the same movies.
Same T.V Shows.
Same artists and music.
Hell, even your messed up backstories are similar.
The best thing about dating someone so similar to yourself, is the effortlessness of it all.
It’s simple and natural being with them.
At first you won’t even notice that it’s a bad idea.
Chances are when you click with someone on that level; time moves differently.
You’re together only 3 months but it feels like a lifetime.
You’re in your own bubble, enjoying it.
Enjoying being with this human who just gets you.
It’s a feeling that you can’t fully process, understand or describe.
Although if I were to put a label on it, it would be bliss.
Bliss is after a terrible break up, you met someone who makes you feel happy.
I say whole, because they did not complete me.
I mean how could they?
I say whole because they made me feel like I was enough.
Being with him, I felt comfortable in my own skin.
I learned to laugh again.
Truly laugh and be happy.
I became confident.
I tried new things.
With his encouragement I stepped out of my comfort zone.
Being with him, I learned how to be myself.
That it is okay, to be me.
It is okay to take time to figure out how to be me.
So for a while, I felt bliss.
Reading this, you’d probably wonder what went wrong right?
It sound’s perfect.
It was only perfect on the surface.
I asked in Blood Sport and I’ll ask again:
Have you ever dated someone and knew, inherently knew, that it wasn’t going to work?
You don’t plan for it to not work out.
You just know that it won’t.
At least not in the long run.
You know that this person is not your forever person.
Yes, you’re having an amazing time with this person.
You’re happy being with them.
You love how they make you feel.
You love being with them.
Only you don’t love them.
At least I know I didn’t.
Or I couldn’t.
It sounds pretty terrible when you think it, much less say it out loud.
Before you call me an asshole, just hear me out.
At that point in my life, I was not the barely stable person who writes these blogs.
At that point in my life, I was pretty unstable in fact.
I felt as if someone swiped the rug out from under me and like in a cartoon; I landed on my ass.
At that point in my life, I had just come from one of the worst emotional experiences a human can encounter; a cheater.
To be completely honest with you?
I barely loved myself at that point, so loving another human being was out of the question.
So for that moment in time.
That small moment in time.
I was learning to love myself all over again.
Hell, I was learning who I was.
Because you see, for a very long time, I was not myself.
I was who somebody else thought I should be.
I did one of the dumbest things you can ever do; I let someone who did not know, nor
appreciate my worth tell me who I was supposed to be.
Tell me how I was supposed to dress.
Tell me who I was supposed to be friends with.
Tell me who how I was supposed to sound like.
Only in the end to be told that I was not what he wanted.
Let me tell you… That?
That fucking sucks.
And hurts a bit.
The thing that hurts the most after a tornado like that, is being left to pick up the pieces only not knowing which of the pieces are truly you.
So when you get a little help to pick up the pieces, you take it.
You take it because it’s okay to need help.
You take the help offered by the dreamer because at such a point, you needed to remember how to dream.
So while it was bliss, it was not forever.
The saying opposite attract has some truth to it.
Even in nature similarity repels each other.
While I was learning to dream again, I became a dreamer.
Two dreamers together?
But not forever.
A favourite quote of mine hails from one America’s most loved (by me) sitcoms:
There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You’d think the
dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but
more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the
realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well
without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.
– Cam Tucker.
In theory, two dreamers sounds great.
Not so much.
The thing is, because time moves differently (as I’ve convinced myself) when you’re together.
It’s all sped up.
What’s actually 3 months, can feel like 3 years.
I’ve learnt that 3 months can feel like a life time.
Unimaginable experiences can fit into the timeframe of three months.
Some of them so wonderful, so magical that they almost seem like a dream.
So good is this dream that very often you forget the nightmares that came with it.
I’m sure as hell not.
Then because we were so similar, he sure as hell wasn’t.
The worst thing about being with someone so similar to yourself?
You’re with someone so similar to yourself.
On the surface it’s nice having everything in common.
If you look beneath the surface you might have other things in common too.
Like your fears.
If you think you’re damaged goods, they think they’re damaged goods.
Your problem traits are their problem traits.
Your temper matches their temper.
Your attitude rivals theirs.
I’m the type of person who ran, I ran like hell whenever things were too good.
Because at one point in my life, I believed I was undeserving of good things.
I was not worth it.
Being so similar, so in-sync.
You guessed it; he was also the type to run like hell when things seemed too good.
He also believed he did not deserve nice things.
That is not a good combination if you’re thinking you’re gonna be together forever.
To want a forever person, you have to first want them to be that person.
You have to then actually believe you’re worth it.
That you deserve this love.
That you deserve to be loved.
That you’re capable of giving that love.
If you’re not?
You end up not giving your all.
And you end up with a ‘right now’ person.
You end up walking away.
I walked away.
Now I still walk away to this day.
Part of me wishes I’d never met him.
Part of me is grateful that I did.
Part of me is ashamed that I walk away and pretend as if it never happened.
Because how can you walk away from someone who had such a huge impact on your life?
How can you walk away from someone who shaped who you are today?
I’ll say with my head held high, staring dead-ahead, no music playing in my headphones.
The real answer?
It takes deep breaths and a hell of a lot of strength.
If you’re thinking that the reasons I gave aren’t enough to pretend that a person never existed in your life, you’re right.
There was more.
But that’s a story for another time.