Into the Ocean

“I want to swim away but don’t know how

Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion”

–  Blue October

Drowning.

That’s what it feels like to me. 

I’m drowning, holding my breath, my eyes wide open looking at the surface above me. 

My lungs feel constricted, about to burst from holding my breath for so long. 

My arms and legs are weak from trying. 

Trying to break the surface into the light of fresh air. 

Clawing and kicking trying to reach the light I see above me.

But I never can mange it.

I never manage to break the surface. 

I just stay right beneath it, being teased by what I could have if I just fight a little harder.

That’s what I think about.

A lot. 

I could fight harder. 

I always think that my best is not my best.

Or there’s something stopping me from giving it my all. 

That maybe, on some level, I like feeling this way. 

W.A.Y.S

“If there’s one thing that I learned, While in those county lines

It’s that everything takes time, You have gotta lose your pride

You have gotta lose your mind, Just to find your peace of mind

You have got to trust the signs

Everything will turn out fine”

–  Jhené Akio

 

I have a semi-colon tattoo on my body.

It’s a symbol meant to represent continuation.

Where an author could have ended a sentence; and choose not to.

Having it literally tattooed onto my body makes me think how ironic it would be.

If I did it.

You know, kill myself. 

Now

“’Pick the fruit of your labor

Cultivate, plant your seeds now and watch them grow”

–  Miguel

Are you, right now, at this very moment, exactly where you want to be in life?

No?

Me neither.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m doing okay in life:

I’ve got my Bachelors under my belt, before the age of 21.

I’ve got work experience in my chosen field of Psychology.

I’m even working on my Masters.

On paper, those read for an excellent resume.

But in reality, for me at least, they’re the background noise.

They’re what I have playing to distract myself.

Because if it all gets too quiet, I’m able to think.

That’s when the thoughts all come crashing down, the ones I’ve been blocking out with my background noise.

Supermodel

 

“I don’t see myself

Why I can’t stay alone just by myself

Wish I was comfortable just with myself”

–  SZA

Skin.

The largest organ in the human body.

Fun Fact: skin can form additional thickness and toughness — a callus — when exposed to repeated friction or pressure.

I guess this is where the saying, “ That the more you go through, the thicker your skin’.

Skin is unique to everyone; the colour, the undertones, the freckles, the texture, the acne and the degree to which we feel comfortable in it.

Lately, I’ve gotta level with you; my skin is the very last thing I feel comfortable in.